think time with God

Some of my best "think" times occur while I am putting on makeup and doing my hair or cleaning or taking a road trip.....time when I can really reflect on what is going on and talk with God about it. this morning was one of those times.....

One of the things I think we want to do when the rug is pulled out from under us is go for the knee jerk, reflexive action and panic. I haven't felt the need to panic but I have felt guilty over, I guess, NOT panicking! Like, shouldn't I be going out and looking for a job - any old job- to tide me over until I find THE job? Well, it hasn't been working out to good for me to do that so I think I will listen to God this time and just .....wait. I have applied for substitute teaching and have a couple of assignments but - honestly - that will just pay a couple of bills and that is about it. Of course I have some hours with Donna and Dan's company but still...... somehow I think it the right thing to do so far....

Anyway my conversation with God went something like this:

Jaye: God, what should i do?
God: tell me Jaye, what is it that is making you scared?
Jaye: not being able to meet my expenses.
God: Jaye, if you were to lose everything, what would bother you most to lose?
Jaye: my bible -
God: Why? You have more than one and you could buy another one anyway.
Jaye: No! THAT bible is indispensable! You and I have traveled a lot of miles in that bible. I cannot replace the underlining and highlights that I have made as you have spoken to me through your word. And nothing can replace the tear stained pages with makeup smudges where I buried my face in your word and wept......and the times I have slept with that bible on my pillow and my hand on your word to assure me you were still there......and the delight I have enjoyed as I discovered new truths in THAT bible......No God - that bible is irreplaceable.
God: okay - what else would bother you?
Jaye: Kade's notebook/journal.....and my kid's pictures......and my books....
God: Yes, you are a lover of books......so what else.....
Jaye: well, probably my diamond ring......it has special meaning to me.....and maybe the sterling silver necklace "Joy comes in the morning" given to me at Kade's funeral.
God: Anything else?
Jaye: (thinking for a moment)....ummmm....no...I think that is it....
God: Are you sure?
Jaye: Yes.
God: You wouldn't be sad about the clothes and shoes?
Jaye: (smiling) Not as long as there is Kohl's, Payless, Macy's and sales!
God: Well, it seems to me that things that matter most to you have absolutely nothing to do with whether you have a paycheck coming in or not.
Jaye: .....uhhhh......you are right.
God: So what does that say to you?
Jaye: that even if I lose "everything" I still have the things that are most important to me.
God: Jaye, do you really think I am going to leave you homeless and without anything?
Jaye: No, not really, because if you did then you would be a liar.
God: How so?
Jaye: Because you promise to take care of our every need. You care about the birds of the air and you know how many hairs are on my head - if you care about those minute details then you care about the big stuff - or what I see to be big stuff......and you tell us to trust you and try you and prove you and see if blessing upon blessing does not pour out on us.
God: Do you believe it?
Jaye: Yes I do.
God: You really do?
Jaye: Yes God I do.....

Then I realized what Peter must have felt like when Jesus approached him after Peter's denial......How can I not trust God when He has proved Himself faithful over and over in so many ways. My heart hurt at my lack of faith.

Lord, please forgive me for doubting you and being scared.....Jesus, please help me keep my eyes on you and not look to the right or left and help me be patient as you orchestrate a new level of faith....and.....PS.......just a quick reminder..... don't forget to catch me!