Friday, October 10, 2008

climbing out of the ash heap

I really hate crashing and burning.....and while it is good to climb out of the ash heap, I don't really enjoy that either because I am faced with the shame and guilt of wondering how I let my faith in God so completely diminish. hmmmmmm......the disciple Peter is so my brother.

In my post,"God, I am mad at you!", I ended it by saying I went to a ladies retreat. I think I will tell you about it. All week I had been reeling downward to the crash and burn pile.....and landed Friday. The last thing I wanted to do was be happy and socialize with a bunch of hyped up, excited Christian women but my friend said I was going. So I went.

Those that know me well know that Christian music is the key to my soul. God speaks to me through song so, so many times. As the music began, my heart hardened against every word sung. I sat in the back, arms crossed, face set hard body language spoke it all....."God, you are not getting in my heart tonight. I am not listening to you!" I left as soon as the session was over. I am usually Ms. Sunshine and laughter and fun......the label "bubbly" has been attached to me many times. Not this night. My friends prayed for me but my heart would not hear or receive.

The next morning as we began the session with music, I found myself a little more open to hearing the words.....the music was really, really good.....I at least could admit that in my mad at God heart. I really felt God coaxing me to know like when your husband or friend knows you are mad and they gently try coaxing a smile out of you....during the song "Your Love Oh Lord" (Third Day,)I felt God almost whispering, "Jaye, here is one of your favorite songs....listen...I put this one on LeAnna's heart just for you sweetie...." but in my petulant, childish temperfit mood, I inwardly turned my back and crossed my arms and said, "No...I don't want to listen." Then came the speaker.

Whether I wanted to listen or not, I heard and I could relate to this woman. At the end of her session she asked if anyone needed prayer and if so to stand and the ladies would pray over them. I couldn't do it. If I did I knew I would fall in a heap and not just cry but WAIL and sob. No thank you. No way was I going to make myself THAT vulnerable. As I sat in the very back, hunched over, the tears fell uncontrollably as I smothered and choked back the sobs.

My friend and I went out in the woods and she just let me vent.....again. Her heart was so burdened for me....powerless to put the joy back in my heart and face....she prayed.

The evening session came and at the end of this session, the speaker asked everyone to put whatever we needed to lay at the cross, at the cross. We were to write on a piece of paper and lay it at the foot of the cross. Prior to doing that she had prayed for God to reveal to each of us something separating us from Him. Um....ouch...the words "control and pride" slipped past the coldness of my heart. Control.....oh yeah...I am a control freak in ways. Then it hit me.

I have gone through a heap of crap in the last few years but I had steady money through all of it. Now I am at the most vulnerable I have ever been....the last vestige of being in control, taking care of me financially had been stripped long as I can control the things in my life.....I don't get hurt. I realized I had trusted God with most everything but I could not 100% totally let go and let God be in control of every aspect of my life, especially finances. This layer on my heart was tightly bound. Jaye takes care of Jaye....or does she? I can't let this go....I don't know how to let this go..... I wrote the words "control and pride" on my paper and laid it at the cross (physically), ....I am not sure I can do it carnal self and spiritual self are now at aint' that just a bucket of happy? You know I am absolutely kidding about that.

to be continued....

Thursday, October 9, 2008

my mask

I have found this really great makeup. I can cry and the tears rolls down my cheeks without leaving a path of streaks where they have passed. This makeup is called "Cover Girl" and boy is it doing its' job. Then I have this mascara......Max Factor Volume XX.....waterproof....and it is. I can cry my eyes out and have absolutely no black rivulets of tears on my cheeks. The eyeliner, MaryKay charcoal, does a pretty fine job of staying where it has been applied. This mask is working very well....on the outside at least.

I have been wearing this mask for quite some time. I cry on my way to work and dab the tears away before I exit my car or I cry on my way to church and dab the tears away as I shut my car door. I enter the building and put on my smile. Someone asks me, "How's it going?" and I smile and say brightly, "It's good!" Liar. But you don't know that and we part ways doing our own Sunday morning thing.

You don't know and I won't take the mask off and let you know that I am freaking out inside. I am scared. I don't know what is going to happen to or for me. I can't see the future and I honestly don't know what to do. So i am frozen inside but I keep getting up each morning and put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes I am so paralyzed inside I can do nothing......but i must...because.....I must.....

I know in my head God is out there somewhere and all of the knowledge surrounds me but somehow is not penetrating my very being. So.....I will keep wearing my mask and when you ask me how it's going, I will say....I will swallow hard and blink back the tears and say, "It's about you?"

Sunday, October 5, 2008

God - I am mad at you!

When my daughter was in middle school I would pick her up each afternoon. Every day she would plop down in the seat and the first words out of her mouth would be "I am so mad!" Finally, I got to where I would say as soon as she got in the van, "Okay, what are you mad about today?"

Well, today I am the one that is mad......really mad...well actually it was Friday that I was so mad but I am still feeling some of the residual anger today.

Somebody remind me why we do this christian thing anyway. You know, I am really, really tired of my life or at least the struggle of my life. I was the one that cared about the spiritual in our family and I poured every bit of my heart, soul, mind and strength into having a christian home or at least what I thought a christian home looked like. And for what????? The family I loved so much doesn't exist anymore. My file drawer holds the papers that dissolved my marriage. That same file drawer holds the death certificate of my youngest son. Until last night, I hadn't heard from my other son in six months. My daughter seemed to be the only thread left of my previous life.

I was the one who felt it was so important to stay home with the kids and raise them with my view of christian values and the love of Jesus. Why is it that I feel all of it has come to bite me in the butt? All of the things I know how to do and love doing - don't pay squat. While my ex-husband enjoys the life of the rich and famous, I am struggling to figure out how to pay the basic expenses of everyday life without a steady job. Oh yeah....let's just talk about jobsssss.....

I have never in my life felt so trapped. Even if I wanted to move from here(which I don't) - I can't. I only double my expenses. I have a condo and expenses to take care of. I can't afford one place much less two. And the jobs - I have never lost jobs or been fired in my life until this summer. I am sure that some wonder, "What is wrong with her?" I am just doing the best job I know to do and.....get fired for it. So. I can't move and find another job and I can't find a job here so....ummm....God...what in the hell are you doing? I am sick of the struggle of all of this. When, WHEN! DOES THE TIDE CHANGE FOR ME? You haven't sent a prince charming to "rescue" me; You haven't shown me a job; and You didn't see fit to sell the condo any of the times it has been on the market. So God....I am falling and I am really, really mad at you.

And so with this attitude I went to a ladies retreat this weekend.

To be continued.....