I know I have already written once today but this is too hysterical to not share....
I make too much money. I'll continue when you pick yourself up off the floor and stop laughing. Okay, this is just brutal honesty here - not a plea for help, etc...just letting you know how our wonderful government works.
About a month ago I decided to cry uncle and go apply for food assistance aka food stamps during the recession in my life. Talk about swallow your pride. Man has my ego and pride taken a few dives. Okay, so I dredge up the courage to go to Social Services and apply. Well, I decided if I must go, I might as well try to look like something. No use trying to look like the dregs of the earth. Never being one to abandon class, I dressed like I was going to work in a Dallas office and walked into Social Services. (Actually, I was also dropping off substitute teacher resumes at the schools thus the true reason for dressing nicely.) Sauntering up to the counter I told the lady I would like to apply for food assistance. What I really wanted to say - in my best southern accent was, "I am havin' a really hard time maintainin' my style of livin' and surely would like some he-ulp." (gotta get the drawl in there) but I didn't think they would appreciate the humor so I didn't do it.
They give you a packet of papers to fill out at home and bring back - along with your bank statement, proof you pay rent, mortgage, electricity bill, car payment, etc. ...and there are also about 5 extra pages provided for you to list all 50 'leven dependents you might have. No, no, it's just me. There is a question also asking if you have insurance...no. I have lived longer without insurance than with it. Anyway, I checked the box saying I would like some. Well, the 50 'leven kids would be eligible but not the poor, white, single, struggling, "mature", college student!!! Never hurts to ask. LOL.
I brought the papers back to my next appointment and answered all kinds of questions from the social service lady. One of the things that showed up on my bank statement was a deposit I made from an anonymous person for $400. My other deposit was my 1st check in the amount of $258 from the children's ministry job I have. (I get another on the 15th of the month - a total of $516 a month.) That's it folks. That is my income for the month of September.
They want to know if you are looking for a job. Yes, I am substitute teaching. How much does it pay? $85 for a full day but varies according to the assignment...is it a teacher job or paraprofessional job? Is it a half-day or full-day? Secretarial? bus driver? cafeteria worker? I told the lady I don't know what the income will be because I don't know how many assignments I will get and I won't even get a check until the 25th of October. So, basically, all she has for guaranteed income is the church check - and potential income with teaching.
But the gift deposit threw her. I explained carefully that the money was a one time gift from an anonymous person and could not be counted as "income." (They did anyway.)
Okay, so, as I am leaving they give me a debit looking card that will be loaded with money (I use that term loosely) for food once the forms are processed. It took two days for that to happen. I had to "prove" my income from the church. How do you do that? I do children's ministry....Soc. Serv. has a copy of my paycheck stub...that is all the church has for my employment...how else do I prove I work there? I guess they finally took it.
I called the number on the card to find out if it was activated. Yeah, for $60. Hmmm, well, I guess if I go on a Ramen noodle diet with a few things tossed in, I should be able to make the food budget last. I couldn't believe it. All that paperwork for 60 bucks not too mention the humiliation? I called the lady. I was totally embarrassed to ask but I did. I asked her, "Is this all you get for the month or is it pro-rated since this is the midde of the month?" I am totally feeling like an ungrateful pig for even asking. She tells me it is pro-rated for the month. Hmmm.....so does that mean it will be $120 next month? Wishful thinking.
Here's the funny part - I get a letter from the State of Colorado telling me I have been approved for emergency assistance (Less than $100 in the bank and half the month left must indicate an emergency) but I had been denied for October because my income was above the qualifying level!!! Are ya kiddin' me? I called the Social Service lady up and flat out asked her, "Well, how poor do ya have to be to qualify?" Man, $516 income is hardly up there with quality living! Is it because I own a house and a new car? Dan's little slogan is starting to get a little close to home - you can live in your car but you can't drive your house. I told the lady you cannot base my income on substitute teaching. You don't know how much I am going to make and neither do I! It depends on how many sub jobs you get! But they are gauging my income on the potential - not the reality. this is unbelieveable!
Ask me if I want the government to provide me with healthcare...are you absolutely out of your ever lovin', pea-pickin' mind????? Not on your LIFE!
Stay tuned - I'll let you know how this goes...
LOLROTF (laughing out loud, rolling on the floor)
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