On Being...Enough

I really hate going to the mailbox. It's not like it's very far to walk to it - the box is right there in front of the the condo. But I have NEVER enjoyed getting the mail. Most of the time it is only junk mail and bills.....uuuugggghhhh. And then you have to spend precious minutes going through all of it, deciding what to do with each piece, where to file it or what pile to put it in and then trashing the remaining junk. It probably wouldn't be so bad if I didn't wait days to get the mail and have "mail build up." Hey, why go to the mailbox everyday when you can spend half an hour going through the mail one day a month? Just kidding. How about once a week...And that is why I love on-line banking bill pay. OLBP makes my life easier and reduces "mail buildup" and saves me time. You know, if I knew I was getting happy mail like "I love you, cards", encouragement cards, winning lottery ticket notifications, and tax refund checks, etc, I am sure I would check the mail twice a day therefore changing my bad attitude about mail. Keep dreamin' sister!

Well anyway.....I have been expecting something really special to come in the mail but I had kind of forgotten about it.

I checked the mail Tuesday and upon opening the box, lying among the assortment of mail was a white, cardboard envelope. I knew what it was. I walked up the stairs to my condo, opened the door and laid all of the mail on the counter. I began going through all of it, saving the white envelope for last. A couple of bills from companies I have yet to put on bill pay....official transcript from Univ. of Phoenix...mmmm....3.41 GPA - pretty good - huh?...(Would have been higher but I took that trip to Stupid thinking I was going to get married a couple of years ago and failed to turn in a final paper....at least it was a very short trip...) Alco ad...now for the envelope. I ripped the tab away and pulled out a black, leather folder, opened it up and stared at my name.....Jaye L Price....and above it...University of Phoenix...I was staring at my official diploma from the University of Phoenix. And I burst into tears.

I did it. I really, really did it. After three years of staying up late at night finishing papers; scheduling my life around when I could be on the computer doing school; choosing what activities I could participate in and what I couldn't; passing college algebra on an on-line program no less, although I couldn't have done it without my friend Diana and her son Kevin - thanks Diana for letting me be 9 years old and cry through the whole lesson while we did algebra together - I will never forget it and will be eternally grateful to you for seeing me through that ordeal....and others; going to work at Alpine Components after staying up nearly all night to get an assignment done and spending almost as much hours at work as I was in one particular class, crying and telling Donna - "I can't do this!" - thanks Donna for saying "Yes you can. Take it one assignment at a time." The instructor was almost as impossible to deal with as the amount of work in that class....most creative I have ever been on an assignment...I will explain maybe another time....LOL...experiencing a very adventurous although grueling past summer...hostel life rocks!.....ya'll..... three years of hard work and I DID IT.

However, being the over-achiever I am, my educational goals have increased through time and process. When I started college in 2000 at Austin Community College, my goal was to get an associate in Early Childhood Education. After getting half way through the program I knew I would not be satisfied with an associates and started taking core curriculum classes toward obtaining a bachelors degree. After having the education program interrupted with life blips, in 2006 I entered the University of Phoenix to complete the bachelor program. Check that one off the list. Now, I must have the Master's. As of Tuesday, I am enrolled in the Master's of Education program for secondary education and I wonder, will this degree of education be enough for me? Will I one day be "Dr. Jaye"? Kind of scary huh?

As I bask in the achievement - do you know what it is like to be able to open the classifieds or go to company websites and apply for jobs that were previousy denied you because of a piece of paper? Knowing full well you could do the job but are denied the opportunity because of ...a piece of paper? -however, there is a cloud that mars my ray of sunshine. Although I can apply for the jobs, the market is so competitive. Lots of people are looking for jobs and they have the degree plus the years of experience and accolades that accompany those years of experience. Once again, I don't have enough. I don't quite make the grade even with a 3.41 or the piece of paper or the passion and determination. Even when I finish the masters program - I still may not have enough...When is it enough?

I have been plagued with this dilemma all of my life. I am not sure exactly when it started but I remember always having the thought, I have to be the best. I could never simply turn in an assignment. For example, I remember an assignment in fifth grade where we had to draw a spider and label it for a science assignment. Could I just simply do a pencil sketch, label it and turn it in? No. I had to have artist paper, pastel chalks, and a black marker to label my drawing. It had to be the best - stand out - look great. In junior high, I tried out for twirler in the band. Well, that was just a step up to what I really wanted - cheerleader. I didn't get it my eighth grade year so I spent the next year preparing for tryouts. Always in front of the mirror, doing jumps - checking my arms for being straight, thumbs in, crispness...smiling...perfection. I made cheerleader the next time I tried out. Our squad was always trying to think of how to do cheers, jumps, signs, and skits better than the other squads. I was president of student council and our community service project we participated in with March of Dimes had to be bigger and better than anyone had ever done. We bought a neonatal something or other for our local hospital.

As I have grown up and participated in various events and projects, I find I still can't just do projects and events. I am always thinking of how to make them be...over the top....the best. I want whatever I do to be....enough...And still sometimes, no matter how hard I have worked at something or how good something may look, I look at it critically and sometimes think... it isn't enough. This same "flaw" exists in my mom. She is an awesome artist. She painted this clock for me and the fruit on the front of it has a water drop that looks like you could reach up and flick it off it is so lifelike and yet, she doesn't think she is good enough. I want to shake her and make her believe she is good, definitely good enough....more than good enough, but she wouldn't believe me I am quite sure. Shaking me wouldn't make me believe I am enough either.

Although I was tiny in high school and voted most attractive, I still have never thought myself to be thin enough or pretty enough.....Enough...does it ever happen? Will I ever consider myself....enough?

I ponder this question and as always I am taken back to the spiritual. When am I.... enough? Fact is, spiritually, on my own, I will never be enough and thank God, I don't have to be enough. Do you realize what a work-based salvation experience would do to an over-achieving crazy like me?!!! I would be on over drive. And if I didn't drive people crazy before, I would certainly do it then. If it matters so much to me now to be "enough" in the secular world that really counts for nothing - can you imagine how I would be in my spiritual life that matters for eternity?????!!!!!! An absolutely SCAREY thought!

Thank God, my salvation does not rely upon my being enough. Thank God, I am not on a degree system or merit system that may or may not be enough. No matter how good or bad I am, Jesus is still enough to encompass me....my good, my bad, and my ugly, my overachieving personality, my OCDness...Jesus, YOU are enough.

I don't know if I will ever be cured of my earthly longing to be enough but I do know I was cured of being enough spiritually 40 years ago in a little country church in Enochs, Texas during a revival service when I gave my heart to Jesus.

Lord Jesus, thank you for that awesome spiritual moment of completeness...of "enoughness" when you entered my heart. In you, and you alone, I am enough.