When my daughter was in middle school I would pick her up each afternoon. Every day she would plop down in the seat and the first words out of her mouth would be "I am so mad!" Finally, I got to where I would say as soon as she got in the van, "Okay, what are you mad about today?"
Well, today I am the one that is mad......really mad...well actually it was Friday that I was so mad but I am still feeling some of the residual anger today.
Somebody remind me why we do this christian thing anyway. You know, I am really, really tired of my life or at least the struggle of my life. I was the one that cared about the spiritual in our family and I poured every bit of my heart, soul, mind and strength into having a christian home or at least what I thought a christian home looked like. And for what????? The family I loved so much doesn't exist anymore. My file drawer holds the papers that dissolved my marriage. That same file drawer holds the death certificate of my youngest son. Until last night, I hadn't heard from my other son in six months. My daughter seemed to be the only thread left of my previous life.
I was the one who felt it was so important to stay home with the kids and raise them with my view of christian values and the love of Jesus. Why is it that I feel all of it has come to bite me in the butt? All of the things I know how to do and love doing - don't pay squat. While my ex-husband enjoys the life of the rich and famous, I am struggling to figure out how to pay the basic expenses of everyday life without a steady job. Oh yeah....let's just talk about jobsssss.....
I have never in my life felt so trapped. Even if I wanted to move from here(which I don't) - I can't. I only double my expenses. I have a condo and expenses to take care of. I can't afford one place much less two. And the jobs - I have never lost jobs or been fired in my life until this summer. I am sure that some wonder, "What is wrong with her?" I am just doing the best job I know to do and.....get fired for it. So. I can't move and find another job and I can't find a job here so....ummm....God...what in the hell are you doing? I am sick of the struggle of all of this. When, WHEN! DOES THE TIDE CHANGE FOR ME? You haven't sent a prince charming to "rescue" me; You haven't shown me a job; and You didn't see fit to sell the condo any of the times it has been on the market. So God....I am falling and I am really, really mad at you.
And so with this attitude I went to a ladies retreat this weekend.
To be continued.....
No comments:
Post a Comment