Yucky Medicine

My mother was never one to take us to the doctor other than for vaccinations and scheduled checkups and the occasional emergency room visit. So when my sisters and I came down with colds, my mother had her own way to treat us......which we hated.

With that first sneeze and sniffle, after taking our bath and before tucking us in for the night, Mom would have the sick child stand before her and she would "grease" that child's chest and neck with Vick's and then have her (the sick one) turn around and Mom would "grease" the back. Then Mom would have us put on our pajama top, the kind that had the snaps around the waist.....some of you will remember those jammies.....the bottoms had feet in them and the top snapped down the back and attached to the bottoms with snaps around the waist. After we got the top on she would then pin a washcloth to the inside front of the pajamas and snap us all in. I guess the washcloth was so our top didn't stick to our chest....I don't know....but I remember we hated the Vick's treatment and would cry when she would do it. We would walk around holding our top away from our chest so nothing stuck to our chest. Then we would go to bed and she would make us sleep under the vaporizer (now you've got your front and back stuck to the jammies...yuck).....oh! and for good measure she would put a dab of Vick's under our nose to open up our sinuses.....ugh.

Then when Nyquil came out and we were old enough to take it, she would give us a dose of Nyquil before going to bed. It has ruined me for life. I can't even look at the bottle, read the name or write it without my stomach flinching! Absolutely hate that stuff and will not take it even today.....I am sure it is one notch below a shot of whiskey......or poison or something.....AAAAUUUUUUGH!

My mom's yucky medicine treatments she did to us - I mean for us (LOL)- was done out of her love for us and the responsibility she took in making sure we got well. We did not like the Vick's treatment one bit and I certainly don't like Nyquil but the measures my mom took to treat us did work and made us well.

I would have to say I view the last few months of my life as a little bit of "yucky" medicine from the Lord. Unemployment....scary....worry for my child's emotional being......even more scary......but God has used this "yucky medicine" to grow and, yes, heal me in a whole new way. Let me tell you how Romans 8:28 - "All things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purposes" and Jeremiah 29:11, my personal mantra, life verse, whatever you want to call it......"For I know the plans I have for you, plans not to harm you but to prosper you and give you a future and a hope" have been revealed to me in yet another way....God's word is so amazing.

Substitute teaching....I have several teacher friends. They introduced me to their teacher friends and since I have started subbing I have consistently averaged at least two subbing jobs a week, sometimes three. Just last week, I had nothing on my calendar and by Monday morning, I had three teaching jobs for the week. That is God, my friends.

I have had most of my jobs in the jr. high and honestly - I was scared to teach jr. high because I thought they would eat me alive. How wrong I have been. I love jr. high kids. They have brought me joy and laughter each time I have subbed for them.
Ex: 1 I wore this really retro 60's outfit to school one day. R. came into class, sat on the front and critiqued my outfit out loud. I received a "you've got style, Ms. Jaye." Thanks R!

Ex: 2 One of the kids had a birthday and the mom brought cupcakes for the class. Another kid, 8th grader, came in and said, "How come he gets cupcakes..." and proceeded to whine about it. I said, "E., it is G's b-day. Have your mom bring cupcakes for you on your birthday." He replied, "I don't have a mom." Oh. We had a conversation about his mom dying of cancer and Kade dying of his disease. I told him I would bring him a cake for his b-day. Everytime, I have subbed he has come up to me and said, "Ms. Jaye, you don't have to make me a cake." I said, "I know, but I want to." Finally, on Monday, he came up one more time and said, "Ms. Jaye, you really don't have to make me a cake." His birthday is this week. I said again, "I know, but I am." Then he said, "Okay, are you going to make it round or long? Make it round so I can take it home and share with my dad." He wanted it chocolate w/chocolate. I got up yesterday morning, made his cake and delivered it to school. He wouldn't share with anyone and held onto it. I loved doing that for him.
The assistant principal told me there were only 545 more students in the school. If word gets out, I am in trouble....LOL

Ex.3: I subbed for one class the other day and they were not behaving too well. One girl said, "This isn't going well is it?" I replied no. J. looked at me and said, "Ms. Jaye are you going to write our names down?" If you give their names to the teacher there are consequences....like essay writing....I said, "J. that is a great idea! I think I will do that!" He looked at me and said, "Ms. J, if you do that our friendship is over." I laughed and said, "I'm sorry." Later on he came in and said, "Best friend, what time is it." He cracks me up.

Ex.4: C.....oh my goodness....everytime I look at this boy I am reminded of Kade. I just want to squeeze this child. I finally told him the other day he reminded me of my son and I just wanted to hug him but I assured him I would restrain myself. He smiled and although he has always been good for me, he has taken it upon himself to look out for me and call kids down if they get out of line.

I tell you these stories because if I hadn't been forced to seek out alternative means of employment opportunities, I would have never subbed and discovered - no rediscovered - my love for teaching. I have so rediscovered this love that when I graduate in JUNE 2009 -YEEHAW! - I am taking the Praxis exam to enter the alternative teaching certification program so that I can teach school. When school (college) is done for me, I will basically be getting two degrees at the same time - Social services and teaching....

Ministry. My heart and passion is for ministry. The past few months, because of my lighter schedule, I have had opportunity to really throw myself into children's and women's ministry. I am teaching children's church each Sunday and having time to plan really fun events which I love! Women's ministry has been revived because I have had time to spend on it. I am getting to do all the fun things I really, really love doing.

So, what started out as "yucky spiritual medicine" in my eyes has been the best thing for me. The Lord has proved faithful in providing for me each step of the way. Okay, I know that you know that we all know that He will do what He says - but there is a huge difference in having the head knowledge and living it out first hand. So instead of writing my tithe check out in trepidation and thinking, "I can't afford this....", tithing has become sort of a game between the Lord and I. I hand it over and He smiles and says, "Watch this, my love." I don't have the job security (really, who does) to see how the money will be there, I just have the confidence of knowing my Lord will provide.....Great is His Faithfulness. So another spiritual muscle of mine is developing and going through the toning process.

I am at the most happy place I have ever been.....it isn't the medicine...which I am sure has helped, it is knowing in a whole new way that I am truly in the hand of my Father, the lover of my soul, my provider, my Prince of peace...Gone is the worry of finances. My father owns the cattle of a thousand hills, is immensely rich and loves me beyond anything I could ever imagine. I know that the yucky medicine Dad allowed in my life has been out of his absolute love for me and that His purpose has been to show me a new side of Him I didn't know - to prosper me spiritually. His desire for me is that I KNOW Him......really, really KNOW Him. So I close.....

Living securely in my Daddy's arms,
Ms. Jaye

The Ash Heap cont'd.

I have left you hanging for a while, huh? For those of you wondering what may have happened with the ash heap I will fill you in.....if I can remember. LOL. I really should follow myself fast because I can't even keep up!!! LOL

The ash heap. I left the ladies retreat still sad and unsure of what to do. A few days later I received an email from my estranged son and knew emotionally he was not in a good place. Okay, put me aside, I thought, and focus on the boy child. Now I am not only dealing with my stuff but I have added the concern for my child. I don't cry "uncle" very well but finally I did and made an appointment with a doctor.

I have had some pretty yucky things happen and have been able to deal with them without medication but this time I couldn't. After visiting with the doctor and telling a brief sypnosis about my life the last five years, he prescribed an antidepressant. He said, "Jaye, you have had a lot of trauma the last few years and I am quite sure your serotonin levels are totally out of whack....." Yeah.....you are probably right. Nevertheless, I felt like a failure for not being able to just let God handle me but I knew I couldn't keep going the way I was.

I then began to focus on how to support myself during this unemployment time. Substitute teaching, working for my friend's company some and doing children and women's ministry at my church......

I am going to end the post here because I have a lot to say about that....
Life started to look up......

climbing out of the ash heap

I really hate crashing and burning.....and while it is good to climb out of the ash heap, I don't really enjoy that either because I am faced with the shame and guilt of wondering how I let my faith in God so completely diminish. hmmmmmm......the disciple Peter is so my brother.

In my post,"God, I am mad at you!", I ended it by saying I went to a ladies retreat. I think I will tell you about it. All week I had been reeling downward to the crash and burn pile.....and landed Friday. The last thing I wanted to do was be happy and socialize with a bunch of hyped up, excited Christian women but my friend said I was going. So I went.

Those that know me well know that Christian music is the key to my soul. God speaks to me through song so, so many times. As the music began, my heart hardened against every word sung. I sat in the back, arms crossed, face set hard ......my body language spoke it all....."God, you are not getting in my heart tonight. I am not listening to you!" I left as soon as the session was over. I am usually Ms. Sunshine and laughter and fun......the label "bubbly" has been attached to me many times. Not this night. My friends prayed for me but my heart would not hear or receive.

The next morning as we began the session with music, I found myself a little more open to hearing the words.....the music was really, really good.....I at least could admit that in my mad at God heart. I really felt God coaxing me to listen.....you know like when your husband or friend knows you are mad and they gently try coaxing a smile out of you....during the song "Your Love Oh Lord" (Third Day,)I felt God almost whispering, "Jaye, here is one of your favorite songs....listen...I put this one on LeAnna's heart just for you sweetie...." but in my petulant, childish temperfit mood, I inwardly turned my back and crossed my arms and said, "No...I don't want to listen." Then came the speaker.

Whether I wanted to listen or not, I heard and I could relate to this woman. At the end of her session she asked if anyone needed prayer and if so to stand and the ladies would pray over them. I couldn't do it. If I did I knew I would fall in a heap and not just cry but WAIL and sob. No thank you. No way was I going to make myself THAT vulnerable. As I sat in the very back, hunched over, the tears fell uncontrollably as I smothered and choked back the sobs.

My friend and I went out in the woods and she just let me vent.....again. Her heart was so burdened for me....powerless to put the joy back in my heart and face....she prayed.

The evening session came and at the end of this session, the speaker asked everyone to put whatever we needed to lay at the cross, at the cross. We were to write on a piece of paper and lay it at the foot of the cross. Prior to doing that she had prayed for God to reveal to each of us something separating us from Him. Um....ouch...the words "control and pride" slipped past the coldness of my heart. Control.....oh yeah...I am a control freak in ways. Then it hit me.

I have gone through a heap of crap in the last few years but I had steady money through all of it. Now I am at the most vulnerable I have ever been....the last vestige of being in control, taking care of me financially had been stripped away....as long as I can control the things in my life.....I don't get hurt. I realized I had trusted God with most everything but I could not 100% totally let go and let God be in control of every aspect of my life, especially finances. This layer on my heart was tightly bound. Jaye takes care of Jaye....or does she? I can't let this go....I don't know how to let this go..... I wrote the words "control and pride" on my paper and laid it at the cross (physically), ....I am not sure I can do it spiritually....my carnal self and spiritual self are now at war......now aint' that just a bucket of happy? You know I am absolutely kidding about that.

to be continued....

my mask

I have found this really great makeup. I can cry and the tears rolls down my cheeks without leaving a path of streaks where they have passed. This makeup is called "Cover Girl" and boy is it doing its' job. Then I have this mascara......Max Factor Volume XX.....waterproof....and it is. I can cry my eyes out and have absolutely no black rivulets of tears on my cheeks. The eyeliner, MaryKay charcoal, does a pretty fine job of staying where it has been applied. This mask is working very well....on the outside at least.

I have been wearing this mask for quite some time. I cry on my way to work and dab the tears away before I exit my car or I cry on my way to church and dab the tears away as I shut my car door. I enter the building and put on my smile. Someone asks me, "How's it going?" and I smile and say brightly, "It's good!" Liar. But you don't know that and we part ways doing our own Sunday morning thing.

You don't know and I won't take the mask off and let you know that I am freaking out inside. I am scared. I don't know what is going to happen to or for me. I can't see the future and I honestly don't know what to do. So i am frozen inside but I keep getting up each morning and put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes I am so paralyzed inside I can do nothing......but i must...because.....I must.....

I know in my head God is out there somewhere and all of the knowledge surrounds me but somehow is not penetrating my very being. So.....I will keep wearing my mask and when you ask me how it's going, I will say....I will swallow hard and blink back the tears and say, "It's good.....how about you?"

God - I am mad at you!

When my daughter was in middle school I would pick her up each afternoon. Every day she would plop down in the seat and the first words out of her mouth would be "I am so mad!" Finally, I got to where I would say as soon as she got in the van, "Okay, what are you mad about today?"

Well, today I am the one that is mad......really mad...well actually it was Friday that I was so mad but I am still feeling some of the residual anger today.

Somebody remind me why we do this christian thing anyway. You know, I am really, really tired of my life or at least the struggle of my life. I was the one that cared about the spiritual in our family and I poured every bit of my heart, soul, mind and strength into having a christian home or at least what I thought a christian home looked like. And for what????? The family I loved so much doesn't exist anymore. My file drawer holds the papers that dissolved my marriage. That same file drawer holds the death certificate of my youngest son. Until last night, I hadn't heard from my other son in six months. My daughter seemed to be the only thread left of my previous life.

I was the one who felt it was so important to stay home with the kids and raise them with my view of christian values and the love of Jesus. Why is it that I feel all of it has come to bite me in the butt? All of the things I know how to do and love doing - don't pay squat. While my ex-husband enjoys the life of the rich and famous, I am struggling to figure out how to pay the basic expenses of everyday life without a steady job. Oh yeah....let's just talk about jobsssss.....

I have never in my life felt so trapped. Even if I wanted to move from here(which I don't) - I can't. I only double my expenses. I have a condo and expenses to take care of. I can't afford one place much less two. And the jobs - I have never lost jobs or been fired in my life until this summer. I am sure that some wonder, "What is wrong with her?" I am just doing the best job I know to do and.....get fired for it. So. I can't move and find another job and I can't find a job here so....ummm....God...what in the hell are you doing? I am sick of the struggle of all of this. When, WHEN! DOES THE TIDE CHANGE FOR ME? You haven't sent a prince charming to "rescue" me; You haven't shown me a job; and You didn't see fit to sell the condo any of the times it has been on the market. So God....I am falling and I am really, really mad at you.

And so with this attitude I went to a ladies retreat this weekend.

To be continued.....

Princess Jaye has landed her freefall!

Just in case you are wondering how things are going....really great! Isn't that amazing? Well....not really....if you are used to trusting God and know about His amazing grace and love and provision and direction.....you know all about it.

This is a new phase in my trust "test" with God. I have to say this is the most freeing and liberating experience I am living. I am not living in fear - did you know that there are 365 "Do Not Fears" in the bible? One for every day of the year to remind us....."Do Not Fear". Every night I thank God for His absolute provision and ask Him, "What is on the agenda for tomorrow?" We (Jesus and I) get up and do our thing for the day and I am developing this absolute, "Do not fear" attitude by trusting in the character of my Jesus, my Lord, My Jehovah Jireh, my Yahweh.

As I look at job possibilities I am gauging them according to, "Is this job going to draw me closer to ministry or draw me away?" I know that Jesus will tell me what to do and when to do it and where when the timing is right. I love knowing that I am in the palm of his hand and He has got me - so I guess I have to say that - Jesus caught me huh!
No longer am I free falling. I have safely landed in His hand and am waiting for the next move.......

I am working on the afterschool care program - please pray for favor with the school transportation department...
I will keep you posted!

The flying bee

What is my next step....well, I am working as a substitute teacher, working for my friends, and working on the after school care program. This decision is a day by day step of faith. Seriously. I feel very much at peace even if it doesn't make sense. I have prayed for God to open doors of ministry and I feel that He is and has. Right now I cannot be specific about that but trust me, He is opening doors.

If I step out and go get a job then I lose the time and freedom I have to pursue the ministry options. Believe me - this is a faith step.....I am seeking
God's wisdom on this. The beautiful thing about God - one of the many - is that He covers us in our faith and our mistakes. If I am making a mistake, He has got me covered and if I am on His path - I am covered.

I was reading a devotional book the other morning and came across a story about bees. Did you know that when little bees are in their first stage they are put in one of the little hexagonal spaces in the hive. Just enough honey is placed in there with them so that they will thrive and then a wax capsule seals the little bee in. The little bee thrives on the honey until it is time for them to emerge. The little bee has to wrestle its' way out of the wax enclosed space. Wrestling its' way out is essential for the bee for you see as it fights its way out of the hive, it rubs off the membrane that hides its wings. Without the fight, the little bee can't fly.
A story is told that once a moth got into a hive and ate away the wax enclosure and the little bees were freed without any strain or trouble - but they all died. Why? They didn't have a way of freeing their wings and the other bees stung them to death.

I look at my own life and see the times I have had to free myself from my hive. It is and has been really hard but you see, I have come out with a stronger faith in who my Lord Jesus is because I know the character of my Lord. And I can fly in my faith of my Lord.

Somedays I free fall and somedays I fly......whether I am free falling or flying, I am going to praise God for the "waxing" moments He allows me because for every waxing experience I wrestle through - I get to fly higher in my faith and in my love and trust of Jesus.

Jaye - the flying bee.....