climbing out of the ash heap

I really hate crashing and burning.....and while it is good to climb out of the ash heap, I don't really enjoy that either because I am faced with the shame and guilt of wondering how I let my faith in God so completely diminish. hmmmmmm......the disciple Peter is so my brother.

In my post,"God, I am mad at you!", I ended it by saying I went to a ladies retreat. I think I will tell you about it. All week I had been reeling downward to the crash and burn pile.....and landed Friday. The last thing I wanted to do was be happy and socialize with a bunch of hyped up, excited Christian women but my friend said I was going. So I went.

Those that know me well know that Christian music is the key to my soul. God speaks to me through song so, so many times. As the music began, my heart hardened against every word sung. I sat in the back, arms crossed, face set hard ......my body language spoke it all....."God, you are not getting in my heart tonight. I am not listening to you!" I left as soon as the session was over. I am usually Ms. Sunshine and laughter and fun......the label "bubbly" has been attached to me many times. Not this night. My friends prayed for me but my heart would not hear or receive.

The next morning as we began the session with music, I found myself a little more open to hearing the words.....the music was really, really good.....I at least could admit that in my mad at God heart. I really felt God coaxing me to listen.....you know like when your husband or friend knows you are mad and they gently try coaxing a smile out of you....during the song "Your Love Oh Lord" (Third Day,)I felt God almost whispering, "Jaye, here is one of your favorite songs....listen...I put this one on LeAnna's heart just for you sweetie...." but in my petulant, childish temperfit mood, I inwardly turned my back and crossed my arms and said, "No...I don't want to listen." Then came the speaker.

Whether I wanted to listen or not, I heard and I could relate to this woman. At the end of her session she asked if anyone needed prayer and if so to stand and the ladies would pray over them. I couldn't do it. If I did I knew I would fall in a heap and not just cry but WAIL and sob. No thank you. No way was I going to make myself THAT vulnerable. As I sat in the very back, hunched over, the tears fell uncontrollably as I smothered and choked back the sobs.

My friend and I went out in the woods and she just let me vent.....again. Her heart was so burdened for me....powerless to put the joy back in my heart and face....she prayed.

The evening session came and at the end of this session, the speaker asked everyone to put whatever we needed to lay at the cross, at the cross. We were to write on a piece of paper and lay it at the foot of the cross. Prior to doing that she had prayed for God to reveal to each of us something separating us from Him. Um....ouch...the words "control and pride" slipped past the coldness of my heart. Control.....oh yeah...I am a control freak in ways. Then it hit me.

I have gone through a heap of crap in the last few years but I had steady money through all of it. Now I am at the most vulnerable I have ever been....the last vestige of being in control, taking care of me financially had been stripped away....as long as I can control the things in my life.....I don't get hurt. I realized I had trusted God with most everything but I could not 100% totally let go and let God be in control of every aspect of my life, especially finances. This layer on my heart was tightly bound. Jaye takes care of Jaye....or does she? I can't let this go....I don't know how to let this go..... I wrote the words "control and pride" on my paper and laid it at the cross (physically), ....I am not sure I can do it spiritually....my carnal self and spiritual self are now at war......now aint' that just a bucket of happy? You know I am absolutely kidding about that.

to be continued....

my mask

I have found this really great makeup. I can cry and the tears rolls down my cheeks without leaving a path of streaks where they have passed. This makeup is called "Cover Girl" and boy is it doing its' job. Then I have this mascara......Max Factor Volume XX.....waterproof....and it is. I can cry my eyes out and have absolutely no black rivulets of tears on my cheeks. The eyeliner, MaryKay charcoal, does a pretty fine job of staying where it has been applied. This mask is working very well....on the outside at least.

I have been wearing this mask for quite some time. I cry on my way to work and dab the tears away before I exit my car or I cry on my way to church and dab the tears away as I shut my car door. I enter the building and put on my smile. Someone asks me, "How's it going?" and I smile and say brightly, "It's good!" Liar. But you don't know that and we part ways doing our own Sunday morning thing.

You don't know and I won't take the mask off and let you know that I am freaking out inside. I am scared. I don't know what is going to happen to or for me. I can't see the future and I honestly don't know what to do. So i am frozen inside but I keep getting up each morning and put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes I am so paralyzed inside I can do nothing......but i must...because.....I must.....

I know in my head God is out there somewhere and all of the knowledge surrounds me but somehow is not penetrating my very being. So.....I will keep wearing my mask and when you ask me how it's going, I will say....I will swallow hard and blink back the tears and say, "It's good.....how about you?"

God - I am mad at you!

When my daughter was in middle school I would pick her up each afternoon. Every day she would plop down in the seat and the first words out of her mouth would be "I am so mad!" Finally, I got to where I would say as soon as she got in the van, "Okay, what are you mad about today?"

Well, today I am the one that is mad......really mad...well actually it was Friday that I was so mad but I am still feeling some of the residual anger today.

Somebody remind me why we do this christian thing anyway. You know, I am really, really tired of my life or at least the struggle of my life. I was the one that cared about the spiritual in our family and I poured every bit of my heart, soul, mind and strength into having a christian home or at least what I thought a christian home looked like. And for what????? The family I loved so much doesn't exist anymore. My file drawer holds the papers that dissolved my marriage. That same file drawer holds the death certificate of my youngest son. Until last night, I hadn't heard from my other son in six months. My daughter seemed to be the only thread left of my previous life.

I was the one who felt it was so important to stay home with the kids and raise them with my view of christian values and the love of Jesus. Why is it that I feel all of it has come to bite me in the butt? All of the things I know how to do and love doing - don't pay squat. While my ex-husband enjoys the life of the rich and famous, I am struggling to figure out how to pay the basic expenses of everyday life without a steady job. Oh yeah....let's just talk about jobsssss.....

I have never in my life felt so trapped. Even if I wanted to move from here(which I don't) - I can't. I only double my expenses. I have a condo and expenses to take care of. I can't afford one place much less two. And the jobs - I have never lost jobs or been fired in my life until this summer. I am sure that some wonder, "What is wrong with her?" I am just doing the best job I know to do and.....get fired for it. So. I can't move and find another job and I can't find a job here so....ummm....God...what in the hell are you doing? I am sick of the struggle of all of this. When, WHEN! DOES THE TIDE CHANGE FOR ME? You haven't sent a prince charming to "rescue" me; You haven't shown me a job; and You didn't see fit to sell the condo any of the times it has been on the market. So God....I am falling and I am really, really mad at you.

And so with this attitude I went to a ladies retreat this weekend.

To be continued.....

Princess Jaye has landed her freefall!

Just in case you are wondering how things are going....really great! Isn't that amazing? Well....not really....if you are used to trusting God and know about His amazing grace and love and provision and direction.....you know all about it.

This is a new phase in my trust "test" with God. I have to say this is the most freeing and liberating experience I am living. I am not living in fear - did you know that there are 365 "Do Not Fears" in the bible? One for every day of the year to remind us....."Do Not Fear". Every night I thank God for His absolute provision and ask Him, "What is on the agenda for tomorrow?" We (Jesus and I) get up and do our thing for the day and I am developing this absolute, "Do not fear" attitude by trusting in the character of my Jesus, my Lord, My Jehovah Jireh, my Yahweh.

As I look at job possibilities I am gauging them according to, "Is this job going to draw me closer to ministry or draw me away?" I know that Jesus will tell me what to do and when to do it and where when the timing is right. I love knowing that I am in the palm of his hand and He has got me - so I guess I have to say that - Jesus caught me huh!
No longer am I free falling. I have safely landed in His hand and am waiting for the next move.......

I am working on the afterschool care program - please pray for favor with the school transportation department...
I will keep you posted!

The flying bee

What is my next step....well, I am working as a substitute teacher, working for my friends, and working on the after school care program. This decision is a day by day step of faith. Seriously. I feel very much at peace even if it doesn't make sense. I have prayed for God to open doors of ministry and I feel that He is and has. Right now I cannot be specific about that but trust me, He is opening doors.

If I step out and go get a job then I lose the time and freedom I have to pursue the ministry options. Believe me - this is a faith step.....I am seeking
God's wisdom on this. The beautiful thing about God - one of the many - is that He covers us in our faith and our mistakes. If I am making a mistake, He has got me covered and if I am on His path - I am covered.

I was reading a devotional book the other morning and came across a story about bees. Did you know that when little bees are in their first stage they are put in one of the little hexagonal spaces in the hive. Just enough honey is placed in there with them so that they will thrive and then a wax capsule seals the little bee in. The little bee thrives on the honey until it is time for them to emerge. The little bee has to wrestle its' way out of the wax enclosed space. Wrestling its' way out is essential for the bee for you see as it fights its way out of the hive, it rubs off the membrane that hides its wings. Without the fight, the little bee can't fly.
A story is told that once a moth got into a hive and ate away the wax enclosure and the little bees were freed without any strain or trouble - but they all died. Why? They didn't have a way of freeing their wings and the other bees stung them to death.

I look at my own life and see the times I have had to free myself from my hive. It is and has been really hard but you see, I have come out with a stronger faith in who my Lord Jesus is because I know the character of my Lord. And I can fly in my faith of my Lord.

Somedays I free fall and somedays I fly......whether I am free falling or flying, I am going to praise God for the "waxing" moments He allows me because for every waxing experience I wrestle through - I get to fly higher in my faith and in my love and trust of Jesus.

Jaye - the flying bee.....

Extra info I may have forgotten to mention...

One of my friends told me I might need to let you know one of the ways God prepared the way prior to my being fired from my job. Well, actually two things, you probably need to know ....
First, for those of you who may not know, I am going to school on-line with the University of Phoenix. I have been going to school since Sept. of 2006 and I have 8.....yes EIGHT more classes left and I will graduate with a bachelor's degree in Healthcare Services/Management. Since November, the classes have been really intense and I have been at the point I didn't know how I was going to manage to work full-time and do school. There have been some classes that I literally am on the computer 20+ hours a week on top of a full-time job. The living life backward thing - living the lifestyle (somewhat) of a 20 something college student was beginning to take its' toll......I have been at my wit's end how to manage time, work, school, having a life, etc.

About a month ago we put an ad in the paper to rent my condo. It rented out the first day. I have it rented through October. What a financial relief for me! Then - two weeks later I lose my job......double relief for me. What with the job tenure being about 6 weeks this summer, I have been in a bind. God provided relief.
Thank you Jesus!
I have more to say on that but I really need to sign off. So stay tuned and I will update you later.

"All things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purposes." Romans 8:28. Really it is true......God is showing me everyday....

Can we just sit for awhile?

The other night I was talking with a friend of mine and we got on the subject of music. I was telling her how music has always been a form of therapy for me.

I took piano lessons from second grade until I graduated from high school....don't be getting all excited that you have undiscovered piano talent in the church.....trust me......I am really not that good.....this white girl cannot play the new choruses and keep the beat....kind of like walking and chewing gum.....

now that is all cleared up - back to my main story.

ANYWAY......I used to come home from school all stressed out over some stupid high school thing that I can't even remember now and would sit down at the piano and play. I would start with classical music.....Beethovan was always a favorite....sometimes Bach and just play the heck out of the piano. As I played I would calm down and by the time I was done I was playing pop tunes and singing Barbara Streisand -(loved a Star is Born) music, love ballads, etc., - I would look at the clock and most times I had played for at least two hours! Gone were the days when I would sit at the piano and cry because I had to practice! - 30 min. - 15 spent crying and whining and 15 spent practicing....LOL

Then a few years later I discovered contemporary christian music and was fortunate enough to live in a place where GOOD christian radio was on all day - not just at midnight like back home on KOMA- a christian talk radio station you could get out of Oklahoma. (I did live on the plains of Texas)

Then came those days I stayed home and took care of the kids and they might be fussing and fighting - no - they were fussing and fighting and I could turn on christian radio and it seemed like within minutes the spirit of God lighted within our home and the kids calmed down and the atmosphere changed...and my attitude.....and my children were granted a reprieve.......and got to live....

Then there have been many times when the words to a christian song... just......got me.....I would be listening to cassette tapes (back in the day) then CDs or the radio and the words to a song reached right down to the depths of my soul and the Holy Spirit ministered to me right where I needed at that moment. My spirit leapt within because I knew God was saying, "These words are for you Jaye." Like the song, "If I could just sit with you for a while". I'll share the chorus with you:

"If I could just sit with you awhile,
If you could just hold me
Nothing can touch me though I'm wounded though I die
If I could just sit with you awhile
I need you to hold me.
moment by moment til forever passes by.....

moment by moment til....forever passes by......"
written by Dennis Jernigan sung by Jami Smith.....

Is that not the most beautiful picture......Jesus, can I just sit with you awhile? Can we just go sit alongside the river and listen to the soothing sound of water rushing by......or on the mountainside and lay down side by side and stare at your heavens.....or out on the beach and dig our toes in the sand and let the waves wash over our feet......or Could you just hold me? I need you to hold me......we don't have to talk....can we just.... sit ....for a while.....

This is a beautiful, soulful song and I find strength in the vision of taking time to just sit with Jesus for awhile.....waiting on the next move..... waiting on His soft, still voice.....waiting and listening

Can we just sit for awhile in Jesus' presence?